Astrid*Stars: 2010

Monday, March 8, 2010

Stress.....an essential part of the U.S. diet

So I found this image on google and this expresses my feelings right now EXACTLY! I am studying for reals this time and I just dunno how much more info on chemistry can enter my head. I really do want to just bang my head til I am no longer conscious. Now this is what I call STRESS!!!! Hopefully its all worth it!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I wanna be a colorful balloon

So its been quite a week. Well quite a few weeks. I wish I could have blogged sooner but other priorities well take priority. Anyways I really like the photograph I posted along with this blog. It kinda is symbolic to how I feel now and what I wish I could be. I wish I had much more control of my life and a bit more freedom than what I do have, but I guess I just have to work with what I have. School has kept me so busy I wish I could be free like colorful balloons floating in the sky. Still, I guess all the work will pay off in the end. Other than school though, I just needed to feel light and free since ever since school started I felt an overwhelming sadness and well pretty down on myself. I don't really know if my talk with my mom about family and personal issues had to do with it or if it was cuz I got sick or what it was. I felt like I was not good at anything and I had the strangest fear of losing my wonderful boyfriend for fear that he would see I really did not have much to offer him. I finally got a little bit of courage to translate my feelings onto an email that I sent him, which is really not all that brave. I sent him a second one after he brought up the first email and I stumbled on my explanation. I know I can trust him so it was not that reason that I could not look him in the eye and tell him what was going on, rather I was a bit afraid of hurting him or scaring him away as well as that I couldn't even find an explanation to give myself. I hope I didn't screw up though. But still it did make me feel light once again. I am finally over the sadness and I see now how silly I was during the past weeks. I know though that I need to work on preventing it from happening again. So that's why I have decided to seek things I would like to try out and to take advantage of the times when I am free and allowed to go out!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Frustration and Desperation...oh joy!

So I know that I have not posted in over a month now. But it is not because I had nothing to write about. Quite the contrary, actually. I have had lots to write about, just had no idea where to start, and quite frankly I was both busy and a bit lazy! Over the past month though I have been feeling quite like the man in the picture that accompanies this post. FRUSTRATED and trapped in a small claustrophobic space. I truly believe that if it were not for my wonderful boyfriend, who just happens to be the love of my life, I would have lost it! I don't really know why I have been having all these ranges of emotions but it is exhausting and extremely frustrating. At first I thought it was due to my parents overbearing love which includes sacrificing a bit of myself at times or just giving up on the freedom I desire. But then after having a very emotional talk with my lovely mother, I realized not only that it was not this that was the cause of my frustration, but also that I need to grow the fuck up and become a bit more adult-like. Still the feeling of frustration and wanting to break out of my box did not go away. So now I believe that I am just frustrated with myself. I need to find myself more before I really make a big mess out of my life. At this point I am just desperate to discover what is that "chip on my shoulder". Now I just feel lonely when I shouldn't, but hopefully it is just due to me being sick and it will go away for good. Now that those thoughts have been put down as html, the good news. I have truly discovered just how grateful I am for having found someone I truly see myself with the rest of my life. I was going to blog on valentine's day but I got sick. Anyways, I didn't precisely do anything ON that day, but the friday before that I was able to just relax with my love and pig out to p'zone and the cheesecake (pie) I made for him. It was my first time I had a valentine and was not single for the holiday. Let me tell you, I was glad I waited until he came along to do Valentine's Day. He is great and way supportive. He is what has helped me keep it together. Anyways I'm done for now, I will try posting more often!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Rain!


So for once the meteorologists where right about the weather. I am sitting in bed at the moment hearing the rain pour down and hit some sort of metal can outside my window. The sound is quite relaxing actually, hearing the ping of raindrop on metal. I love the rain although sadly today I could not enjoy it as much because I am somewhere between being sick and being good. Either way though I love the rain. Starting with the smell of it which I know may sound weird but when it rains, the air just smells so clean and earthy, if that is even a word or possible. Also it just makes it seem as though everything, your problems, your insecurities, your instabilities, wash away. If only that were really true but oh well we can only dream. My favorite part about the rain is that it is so much fun to dance in. I love just getting totally soaked to the bone and having that child-like feeling capture me once again. But sadly the rain can also be quite scary. It can cause accident for those who are not cautious when driving in the rain. Those very same people who almost cost the love of my life his life. Thankfully he knew just what to do to avoid that tragic event or I would have been devastated! The rain though has made me think quite a bit though of just how life is. How it is symbolic of so many things in life, such as new beginnings, fresh start, you know. Speaking of which my ex keeps insisting on a friendship with me and while in the past I would have gone along with it, I am in a new place where as good as were the memories we had, I do not want to continue my friendship with him. For one reason or the other it just feels off and forced. I feel that maybe he sees that I was the only one who truly cared for him when we were together and while I feel great sadness that he has no one to turn to, I also see that I should not be the solution. He is a nice guy, but it just feels like too much water under the bridge and I feel we do not really have much to say to each other. I'm not the type to push people out of my life or just drop them just like that, but through experience and some thought, I have seen that some people are just better off out of my life than in it. I hope eventually he gets the message that things are just better off with us not being friends than to keep forcing it to work out. I have my new man now and I intend on keeping it that way so long as I am happy and feel loved which I am and which I do! Hopefully the rain will just wash this little annoyance away and both he and I can get on with our lives. Mostly him because I already have. And all I want is to dance in the rain, smile, and be with my baby!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Welcome....(my very first blog post yay!)


Hi, my name is Astrid....just thought I'd introduce myself. Not filled with many wise thoughts, not even nonsense thoughts today or not any that really come to mind which is really what this blog of mine will be about. I'm pretty new at this actually. But I do tend to never be able to turn my brain off...it's quite annoying actually. It's the main reason to as why I can't ever fall asleep at decent times or even though I can barely keep my eyes open. So I guess for now I'll give you a little taste of the kinda girl I am. It's always hard to describe yourself, or at least for me it always is. You see I find labels a bit useless or at the very least misleading often times. Who is to say that one label describes one completely? But I guess they are there for a reason; to narrow down the descriptions. So I will describe myself using what most people have used to describe me and a little of who I THINK I am. So basically I am a unique, sometimes quirky, sweet yet feisty, tiny ball of energy. I love being a contradiction because honestly I think most of us are, proving how labels are misleading sometimes. Anyways I am the kind of girl that goes with the flow most of the time, but also sets her limits and has her threshold for just how much bull she allows into her life. I laugh at anything and everything because well laughter is the best medicine in my opinion. I am the kind of girl who lives to live and not necessarily to find a purpose, meaning that even though I do think there is a purpose for every one of us, I do not search for it like its all I need to do in this world. Rather, I live and try to find it through my experiences and adventure. I believe that love exists in every one of us and is what unifies us. Without it, we would be unable to experience the hardships life puts us through. I am happy to have found such great love recently with a boy that I honestly think is more than I could have ever wished for. And I am glad that after some heartbreaks I have found the ONE. Yes I am young, but I believe that love does not discriminate against anyone. I am also a believer that music and film and culture and art help heal our wounds. I love music and art and film. And now I am rambling like I always do and have lost my train of thought. Anyways back to what my blog is about I guess. Its just really a place where I can write my thoughts no matter if people choose to disagree with me or not. Anybody is welcome to leave comments or questions, and also advise. But please....if you are gonna be an asshole, you'll get a bitch. Anyways a tout a l'heure (that means til next time.....in French....well close enough).
Oh and remember, life is a series of ups and down. It can be beautiful and it can be messy. Life is a beautiful mess <3!