Astrid*Stars: I wanna be a colorful balloon

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I wanna be a colorful balloon

So its been quite a week. Well quite a few weeks. I wish I could have blogged sooner but other priorities well take priority. Anyways I really like the photograph I posted along with this blog. It kinda is symbolic to how I feel now and what I wish I could be. I wish I had much more control of my life and a bit more freedom than what I do have, but I guess I just have to work with what I have. School has kept me so busy I wish I could be free like colorful balloons floating in the sky. Still, I guess all the work will pay off in the end. Other than school though, I just needed to feel light and free since ever since school started I felt an overwhelming sadness and well pretty down on myself. I don't really know if my talk with my mom about family and personal issues had to do with it or if it was cuz I got sick or what it was. I felt like I was not good at anything and I had the strangest fear of losing my wonderful boyfriend for fear that he would see I really did not have much to offer him. I finally got a little bit of courage to translate my feelings onto an email that I sent him, which is really not all that brave. I sent him a second one after he brought up the first email and I stumbled on my explanation. I know I can trust him so it was not that reason that I could not look him in the eye and tell him what was going on, rather I was a bit afraid of hurting him or scaring him away as well as that I couldn't even find an explanation to give myself. I hope I didn't screw up though. But still it did make me feel light once again. I am finally over the sadness and I see now how silly I was during the past weeks. I know though that I need to work on preventing it from happening again. So that's why I have decided to seek things I would like to try out and to take advantage of the times when I am free and allowed to go out!

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